Monday, May 23, 2011

Accountability...and an apology

Thank you for visiting my blog - to new viewers and returning friends - I appreciate all of your support!

This post has been brewing in me for a LONG time.  It's about time I put it out there. The apology is because I have only posted once in almost 4 months.  I felt like I let people down - the people who were following my blog when I was doing my vegan cleanse in January.  It all ended abruptly after day 24.  Once I felt like I could start talking about what happened, I was really just too embarrassed to post.  I felt guilty and confused.

So, here we are.  Nearing the end of May.  And finally, an explanation.

Towards the end of January I found myself slipping with my nutrition.  After 24 days of no sugar, I had something (I don't even remember what it was) with sugar in it and it took on a snowball effect.  I went into a month-long frenzy.  I could not figure out why I was eating out of control and what was going on.  I was trying to rationalize it.  I thought whatever was going on with me, that I could just force it away...that I could deal with it.  It took me awhile to realize that I could not "fix it" on my own.  I sought help - I talked to friends, shared my overwhelming feelings...looked for support in other Beachbody coaches and close friends.  I pulled motivation from wherever I could.  I also sought professional help.  With medication and therapy, I came to understand that what I thought might be a binge eating disorder was really more of an emotional eating disorder.  I was letting my emotions control me, and to fight that, to redirect my anger and my sadness, I was turning towards food.  Why let outside factors control my emotions when I could create anger and bitterness towards MYSELF.  After all, I was the one controlling the food that went in my mouth.  I'm grateful that my therapy sessions have helped me make great strides in working through specific emotional issues and have allowed me to work on healing, forgiving, and letting go of things that I cannot control.

Fast forward...I felt this starting to happen again over the past couple of weeks.  It felt like I was being hit with emotional triggers from all sides - family drama, an injury that has kept me from being able to workout for nearly three weeks now, my husband traveling a lot for work which has left me home without much *me* time.  Writing it out, it seems like it's really not anything we can;t all handle appropriately, but to me - someone who clearly has trouble dealing with emotions - it's been a rough few weeks.  This time, though, even though it took a few days, I was able to see the pattern repeating and I pulled myself out of it.  I leaned on friends and a wonderful support group that I am part of on Facebook and it's helped me to regain control of my emotions and my eating before I slipped into "the trenches" as I call it.

I have found that I cannot just eat as cleanly as I want to.  At least not yet.  Restricting certain foods (sugar, dairy, chocolate, etc) is not something I can do comfortably without a fear of binge eating on those foods when I crave them.  So, instead of removing those foods from my diet, I have been following more of a "crowding out" method.  I work on adding more things into my diet - like more veggies, more water, more greens.  When I add in more of those things, I find that I don't gravitate to the sugary foods as often.  I still have them - but I don't binge on them.  I don't sneak them.  I have a little bit, then I move on.  It's what seems to work for me (when I try, that is).

That leads me to the accountability portion of this novel of a post.  I am going to work at posting daily again - or at least more often.  I'm going to post my meals, my daily activities and my thoughts/feelings/emotions.  I think that by sharing with anyone who reads my blog, it will keep me accountable to someone out there.

I'll admit, I wanted to eat pizza tonight.  I was talking myself into it.  "It's okay.  You've eaten so well today.  What's one slice?"  But then I thought about my pictures.  I would have rather posted a healthier dinner picture than pizza.  I'm not saying that I will never choose pizza over a healthier option.  Just not today.

Green protein smoothie - 8 oz unsweetened vanilla almond milk, 1/2 cup water, 1/2 cup crushed ice, 1tsp chia seeds, 2T vanilla hemp protein powder, 1/2 frozen banana, a few frozen strawberries, a handful of baby spinach.  Blended it all together - and it not only filled me up all morning, but it gave me quite a bit of energy too.

Chopped veggies (carrots, celery, purple cabbage, radishes, etc) with 1T Vegenaise, a few shakes of Trader Joe's 21 Seasoning Salute, 1.5T raw sunflower seeds, 1T feta and some sprouts

Homemade snack bar (dates, raw almonds & cashews, chia seeds, dried cherries, non-dairy mini chocolate chips)

Salad w/mixed greens, purple cabbage, red onion, corn, sprouts, Bragg's Healthy Vinaigrette and chopped Morningstar black bean burger.

About 100 oz water today; and no workouts (due to strained back)

Breakfast ~ Green Smoothie

Lunch ~ Chopped veggie salad

Snack ~ Homemade snack bar

Dinner ~ Salad w/Morningstar black bean burger

KK pushed her pizza away, took my salad and said "This is mine."


  1. proud of you! you're on the right track. keep up the good work. baby steps. you'll get there!

  2. Applause! With you coming forward and talking about this issue is going to help so many. Remember one day at a time. Try and stress over the things you have no control over and just focus on what you can do to keep yourself accountable. Proud of you mama!

  3. Yay!! Another human being!! I saw so much of myself in this post! I have been struggling so hard to find the motivation to start a healthier lifestyle because I have been struggling with the same things. I KNOW I need to do it, but I just can't seem to motivate my self to do it. Know that someone as talented and as accomplished as you has been there has given me a little hope! Thank you!


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